In May of 2020, I started asking and inquiring with people who benefit from racism, what they think it has cost them. During the same period some, it seems out of unresolved pain, could only see the gains by benefactors of -isms, not the actual cost that has been paid since its existence.
As long as I can remember, I have expressed that I wanted separate quarters from my potential husband. As I have gotten older, it has morphed into wanting separate dwellings. I realize because of this article, that this desire is in place regarding anyone likely to take my contributions for granted. -isms cost everyone something, although we are more accustomed to discussing what it costs the targets of them.
In the linked article, I see one of the costs the small box of patriarchy/sexism/misogyny creates.
The author kept citing that this seems to effect older men more. I think it effects all men regardless of age given that a critical mass of parents still socialize housework as "women's work". In an effort to deconstruct this sexism, I sometimes challenge my friends about what domestic skills are required of their sons and daughters, and why. The coping mechanisms for the lack of healthy domestic and emotional skills of most males have seemed to morph over time in the face of the growing, and operationalized independence by women.
Benefactors of -isms have always reaped huge, and mostly overlooked benefits. It is about time that they realize and honor their enormous reliance on those they've grown accustomed to ignoring and devaluing unless their labor is needed. They don't just rely on them for their labor, it is also for their knowledge and expertise born from years of experience. It is a lot of the reason so many inventions came from women and people of color (especially Blacks), whether or not they hold the patents or were able to reap the financial benefits.
In this case, it is costing people money (maintaining two households). The willingness to bear the burdens of maintaining two households is a clear display of the cost of sexism to women and children. As an aside to this dynamic, there are many tactics employed to deny people justice and full humanity, they range from mobster types to financial and legal exhaustion tactics. Add that to the cost equation. I am glad more people can afford the privilege of honor for themselves.
I am, however, concerned about those who cannot afford that privilege. What has it left them living? Towards the resolution of this, I am thankful for those men who are intentionally deconstructing the scaffolding of -isms in their lives so they learn to honor the labor and expertise of those who choose to partner with them.
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