What I post about are dynamics and situations I've usually observed over time, across groups and -isms... I always hope to address systems and dynamics when I do. I address the personal with the people in my life directly as encourage others to do, always addressing the systemic and the personal as I often speak about. Some of what I address arises from personal experiences, but they rise to a post or blog entry because of the inspiration that others need this information. This is another one... Asking questions...
Do we ask ourselves and others any questions before jumping to conclusions? Do you notice the questions you ask? Are they for you, or do they help the person move along in their path? Does it help to uncover something with which they are wrestling? Will it help them to take their next level, and not your definition of success for them? Another of my many influences made me aware of my "already always listening" - they are the scripts we bring to conversations with certain people and certain groups. The best we can do until they are rewritten, if they need to be rewritten, is to be accountable to them. I have always endeavored to become better at asking questions "in the right spirit". Some of what I outlined is what "in the right spirit" from my spiritual tradition has come to mean to me. I am present to who I'm with and the question is often derived from that, not an agenda unless it's stated.
Someone who was a great influence on me encouraged some people he was teaching to defend people to themselves. Because of his teaching, when I have little information, instead of going to suspicion, I give myself good reasons for why someone is behaving the way they are, unless I have significant information to the contrary. I once heard someone else say something like, "an absence of information gives way to suspicion". That is also true. I believe the greatest security I can give someone I love is to not be a mystery to them. I don't operate closely with people who require being a mystery in our dynamics. As a result, I have grown to transparency. I have found that life less exhausting for me. Those that can hang with that, whooooo hooooo! Those who cannot, we find ways to connect anyway because I love ya!
I am happy to let someone know about my boundaries, I do have them. I think everyone should have boundaries. I don't allow mine to operate in filtering out truth or accountability. Some people, like Eddie Murphy once said, are afraid a bone will drop out if they speak too freely. Another influence taught me to "give information on a need to know basis only". I have also seen people twist what people need to know based on operating in bad faith. There is a difference between what your loved ones need to know and what the public needs to know. If a loved one lost their security clearance with me, they know why. I would have spoken on it enough before taking action with a loved one. I am not obliged to answer the public on anything.
I didn't need to know about Bill Clinton cheating on Hillary. I do need to know if a man I am considering working with will create an environment where I will be defending myself against unwanted sexual advances because that is their reputation. The questions that the media asks and information they demand to know about people should have a line, like whether someone is a public danger. The salacious vibe of the news has become 🤦🏽♀️. I won't get into celebrity, and the culture of fame, but that needs unraveling as well.
Getting on the greased slide of deception allows it to leak into places some do not intend. I have watched people exhaust themselves and most importantly, their relationships keeping up lies and facades. How about emptying the closets people? This is not directed at people for whom life is oppressive because this society has not made room for your gender expression, that is a different conversation. Since I chose truth, my life is handling like being on a third rail. Though I do appreciate that we each have our own purposes, and our own journeys to being able to live what it means to live fully with truth.
I don't practice telling people what to say especially in anti-ism work, but here is a helpful and "clean" way to ask a question people often want answered but ask in very challenging ways, if they ask at all:
"Am I exempt from your statement about... ?"
As you move through awareness, you will find yourself exempt from some general statements we make about race and racism (-isms in general). I have certainly found myself exempt from the stereotypes about women and Blacks I've heard throughout my life. I am not going to keep saying some version of "not all white people", so please start asking some questions. Although, when it comes to sexism and misogyny, I find it necessary and important to distinguish and highlight the ways Black men do not participate in power classes, because they are all too often collapsed or invisible in those statements. There are toxic dynamics across genders in the Black community, but that is not this conversation.
If you want to know if you are exempt from a general statement, raise it with the Black people in your life, or a person with whom you have the concern. My efforts aren't to start an organization or to bolster a particular organization. I pray my efforts allow you to live the life you are already living with power. ALL SHARING THAT LOOKS LIKE ADVICE IS ONLY MEANT TO ADD TO YOUR BUFFET OF CHOICES. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND IT AS SUCH. I am not a person who believes what works for me, should work for others. I believe people need information. Sharing solutions increases the possibilities available to inspire people. Thanks to my big sister's teaching yesterday, the word "possibilities" is with me again! 💞
When I am asked, which rarely happens in any form, I will even be honest about where I've seen a friend miss and where I've seen a friend make it. It is also honest to know you don’t want to know. It is exhausting to engage the run around that is born of denial. I am acutely aware of people who ask no questions, and those who react adversely to questions. When people don't ask questions informed by a person's character or a story with them, it seems to throw conversations off track, and if it is, just call out what you're doing if you know.
Those who journey closely with me know that for me, the truth is found in the results of the chemistry of the whole - the "nth person". There is much that can be derived from paying attention to that, especially in personal relationships. Systemic understanding of nth persons takes some work in each area of human activity.
Questions are adventure.
Questions mature.
Question in good faith.
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