On Grief

I came here today to share the best movie I have ever seen on grief, The Starling.

Honestly, I am not always running to watch Melissa McCarthy movies, but this one was a phenomenal exception. Every single member of this cast depicted this story so well! It is one I would watch more than once, typically with a friend who hasn't seen it.

I have observed that many couples don't make it through the loss of a child or children. This film tackles this very challenging dynamic in such an accesible way. I am not going to say a lot about the actual movie because it is worth the journey to see what emerges for you.

The following is how it inspired me.

The stages of grief are not linear. I happened to see the first book I ever read about grief referenced when I did research on the stages not being linear. Some believe there are 5 or 7 stages. Either way, they are not linear.

I realized from what Chris O'Dowd's character realized that I have benefitted from those who have grieved with me. It is very challenging when people we have been hoping to grieve with us do not meet us there in any way. I am so thankful that this film allowed me to see that I was not grieving with someone I love and cherish. More than anything, I had the opportunity to not continue to subject them to the behavior that they were grieving.

Many go through grief in many ways, again, not linear. And it looks a lot of ways for each individual that confronts it. It does take time. Please do not rush yourself and those you love. Just witness them, and be there to help them carry the load if you can. I once had a friend who told me that they could not go through what I was facing at one time in my life. I cherish that person for that truth. It helped me to adjust my expectations, but it maintained the love that they were capable of in many other ways and we have been friends for over forty years. As Resmaa says, "nibble, don't gorge." The urgency and press of this system will have people out here gorging.

Lots of people also try to "suck it up" to make others comfortable when many of us can plainly see that they are going through the motions "distracted." One of my friends introduced me to this meaning of "fine" from the Italian Job, which still resonates as I witness people saying it.

I also connected Melissa McCarthy's character's acting out on the starling to those who haven't processed their pain. I reflected on the damage that has been done to the world by those who haven't processed their pain (Trump, Putin and Hitler to name a few). We have all heard that "hurt people, hurt people." It doesn't have to be that way. It can be witnessed on the level of the individual all the way to the shytstem of white body supremacy disorder. There are many sources for this information, but I endorse understanding it in the context of Somatic Abolition through Black Octopus Society as convened by Resmaa Menakem.

I also deeply appreciated the friendship and love between the agrieved couple that allowed them to stay together while they were very far apart.

Even though the circumstances may be the same, we process it through our bodies individually. I hope we discover how we aren't letting each other live, by judging and dismissing each other's journey. I hope we learn to value each other more.