I am going to do my best to abbreviate this entry. I could write a book on my experiences with parenting, maybe one day I will.
I have observed a lot of different styles of parenting over the years and have gleaned some great lessons from those observations.
I distinctly remember reflecting on when I became a parent, and how different my views about parenting were when I was not yet a parent. I recently heard someone in their forties who is not a parent reflect on parenting like all parenting is done with children. Parenting continues into adulthood.
Just because children attain a certain age doesn't mean they are adult-ready, and parenting has certain requirements at every age. I will just expound on these two ideas here and save the rest for another time.
My cousin once said something like, “Just because children make it to adulthood is not good enough. We are raising children to adulthood, not raising children to stay children.” He said so much in that statement and even more during our conversation. For the purpose of this entry, I will just focus on this part: He was emphasizing the need for parenting to be preparation for the future, rather than merely surviving the demands from birth to launch.
About the other part of the purpose for this post, parenting is a lifelong endeavor and beyond. Parenting is often described as a lifelong endeavor because it doesn’t have a fixed endpoint. Even when children become adults, parents continue to play a role in their lives, offering guidance, support, and love. Parenting also extends beyond our own lifetime. We pass down values, traditions, and memories to future generations as well as the potential spiritual experiences we have with our ancestors. In this way, our influence continues even after we’re no longer physically present.
Some have no guidance about how to parent their adult children. Many make the transition to parenting adults in a very rough way, and some never do. I know many people who helicopter there young children and do that until their last breath and similarly, in neglectful parenting, they never make the transition.
I believe this image applies to children before they are adults.
If I remember nothing else from my first therapist that was court ordered at sixteen, she revealed to me that I was parenting my mother. There is a lot to say about this, especially as Black people, we put too much responsibility on our children. I know that we are doing some of it as preparation for the cruelty of the world they will confront, but some of it is done out of generational habit.
I know that I was not very popular with some people because I didn't make my daughter hug people she wasn't comfortable with at any age. It was more important to me that she understood her bodily autonomy than to force her to use her body in a way in which she wasn't comfortable and it was my job to be the "bad guy" about that interaction. I also believed that would be a useful lesson for her life.
I was also not popular in some circles because I didn't automatically make her the babysitter because she happened to be the oldest child in the group. I expected parents to parent and not pass that off to a child or teenager. I believe this is generational given that Black women often had to care for other people's children, and not their own as much. Let's consciously break that cycle. Care for the children you birth and stop always handing them off to our parents, grandparents and older children to be supervised and cared for.
It's essential to strike a balance between personal responsibility and community support when it comes to parenting. While relying on extended family members can provide valuable assistance, active parental involvement is crucial. As parents, we have a fundamental responsibility to care for our children. This includes nurturing, guiding, and ensuring their well-being. It's essential to actively participate in their upbringing.
Reposted from @blackhomeeducators Wisdom nuggets. #fathersmatter #blackfathers #blackfathersmatter
At the same time, community support is valuable. Grandparents, older siblings, and other family members can offer love, wisdom, and practical help. It truly takes a village to raise a child. Rather than solely relying on others, consider collaborative approaches. Involve grandparents and older children in caregiving while maintaining your active role as a parent. Communication and coordination are key. Remember that every family situation is unique, and finding the right balance is essential.
The other side of it, is the neglect. Some parents have never cared for their own children as described above, and as their children grow up, they continue the cycle by expecting their children to carry the emotional labor besides many other labors that should be the parent's. I see co-dependency and many other inappropriate dynamics between grown children and their parents. When parents get to be an age that they cannot care for themselves, it is a blessing to have children who can care for them when needed.
The biggest challenge that I have seen with most parents is that they do not attend to their inner work alongside raising their progeny. I believe trying to act like we have it all together instead of balancing security for our children and attending to our unresolved issues is stunting our growth as a society. For sure, it is not the only thing stunting our possibilities and this experiment called “The United States”. Valuing normyness and pridefulness is doing a lot of the work to hinder our velocity as well.
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