Many people are familiar with the idea of timing and waiting for it to be "right". I have especially heard many comedians and actors talk about timing in the delivery of a joke or a line of script. I wonder why do we not regard that to the same degree in the journey of our lives?
I have heard many reflect on timing in retrospect, but not in the middle of what my friend referred to as “constriction” this morning. She was describing the idea she has heard imparted about flow in four parts: constriction, breakdown, flow and integration. She was inspired toward this by a book on this subject of “flow”. I accept the parts as she outlined them this morning. I haven’t read the book, but like many things on my journey, I didn’t have a construct to arrive at this reflection, though I often share the influences. In the construct of my belief, I honor the prompting and inspiration of Holy Spirit as I understand the concept of God. I even knew this was supposed to be written two months ago but I waited for the release to write it, what I often refer to as the ripening of an idea.
Along the line of "release", I have heard Christian believers reflect on being an arrow being pulled back in God’s bow to fly farther toward a goal, but many despise the hold - I know I did. Over the years I have learned to fight it less even as people have looked down on me while in the hold. I do not see myself at a level of mastery in it at all, but I understand the need for it more. In retrospect, I still remember how much it felt appropriately like a straitjacket because I was, at my worst, a relatively violently disoriented person as the definition of “straitjacket” notes.
As a former track runner whose main race was the 400 meters (a quarter mile), I have often reflected on people’s comparison of me to a quarter horse back then. In this moment, I reflect on constriction as a racehorse waiting in the gate to be released to run. I also reflect on a prophetic word I was given in 2010 along the same line about my ability to “outrun a chariot”.
Recently, I had a word to deliver to another friend I have known for about 15 years and counting. 😇 One of the many blessings of this relationship is that we have never required each other to be the same to honor each other’s individuality or life path. I think she recognized my volatile season in her past and exercised the patience of wisdom in seeing it. In all those years we have never encroached on each other’s choices although we never avoided discussing and joking about them. In delivering this word, I had a lot of trepidation because it felt like I was about to encroach on her for the first time, potentially risking the relationship. As I have found it is with God’s timing, it was perfect. She found the word I gave her a confirmation of an action she had already chosen to take.
Shortly after that confirmation, she sent me this photo as further confirmation:
I have found that sometimes a word I deliver to someone else is also edifying to me. In the past year, I have been sharing the idea that the basics of what humans need to learn is humility and stamina. I came to that idea while facilitating an anti-racist group, observing people’s willingness to choose the “right” side and vilifying anyone who isn’t on the same one. I have written on these concepts many times in this blog. I hope you will take the time to check out other entries.
Many people who know me regard me as a powerful/strong woman. In that framing many expect me to take no guff off anyone. I have even been confronted by someone who was inspired by me until she went off on me about why I allowed a toxic person on a project to handle me in a way that was far beneath honor. During that season there were many times I had choice words in my head that I wanted to say to that person who reflected POTUS 45 (a malignant narcissist), more than any person I have ever personally encountered. In that time, I could only weakly answer about preserving my job although I had already grown far beyond the desperation with which many hold their jobs. After all, I don’t blame anyone for that posture, it takes extraordinary growth to break out from the economic constructs of this society. Today, I would answer differently.
Many who follow this site and my anti-racist work understand that I have been on a path of healing since I was sixteen. In this respect, that work was about to pay off in ways I couldn’t foresee in the midst of what I considered the hell of my existence in this state (Georgia and more importantly, my state of mind). Until November 2020, I was in hell. It was the beginning of my release from a framework that kept me from what was best for me and frustrated those who hoped for my eventual and consistent freedom. During hell, many took advantage of my skewed view of myself as I poured out love in service with little apparent return. During that hampered existence, I sensed that even that would be used for my good.
Reflecting on that challenge from a former colleague now, I see that even though I kept my mouth shut then, it ultimately served the purpose. Today, in the moments that I choose to keep my mouth shut, I do so because I know two things for sure. One, that no one’s opinion of me has more emotional power than my opinion of myself. And two, something I have always known but have more power and reliability in, that I can show you better than I can tell you. Regarding that person, I realize, people who do not have honor within them cannot express it or live it consistently.
Reflecting on the photo from my friend and my martial arts training, I know that power under control is the greatest power. As a believer, the control of power directed by God is as effective as a laser in God’s hand. Since another friend exclaimed in October that with the skills I have, there had to be a better job opportunity for me. At the time it seemed unrelated, but I cut bait from that whole dishonorable job construct, and continued to follow the prompting of Holy Spirit while weathering the disrespect from those who only see the carnal. I don’t often know it is Holy Spirit but lately, I reflect on my recent steps as being ordered by God. The smartest thing I ever did was to value and allow God to use yet another friend to release me from hell on that auspicious day in November.
Since then, I learned how to walk in this freedom, realizing and honoring the fruit of my labor. In another blog entry I reflected on the fact that I have always walked my life out in truth, love, and honor. The most challenging hurdle was always reconciling who people expected me to be for their benefit exploiting my desire for acceptance. That millstone of the desire for acceptance was removed in November. In further reflection, I see that taking the steps to honor who I am and living self-acceptance, I was spotted by an internal recruiter for a role that was finally the correct fit for my skills. Beyond that, it is the best group of people I have worked with while living in this state. Now, Georgia is no longer considered hell to me because in the process of interviewing, I released another frame of thinking that was inappropriate to my purpose and my personal worldview, although I am still not a fan of how this state is governed.
Back in February, I was expressing my honestly held worldview with a dear friend who vilified me for stating that we are really humans, and that the Black community has been culled together in response to racism. Recently, some Black leadership are understanding and expressing that the Black community is not a monolith. Many of us who hold this view who are mostly anti-racist are dismissed because being super pro-Black is a stage of awakening to the devastation of this racist, sexist, and otherwise exploitive system, and many are in that season that I was indoctrinated to thirty years ago. As my thinking recently transformed, I was inspired to hold loosely what it means to not be okay until all Black people are okay since I believe that the world will be different for all of us when that is realized. Back in the early 2000s I realized that I could hold reality/today’s truth and vision at the same time, now I have the power to live it.
I know that we are really one human family while I call out/in those who are acting out in whatever way we respond to the lies this system has taught us all.
I have come to the confidence that honoring the wait for the right timing/release is gold, but doing the inner work is an important prerequisite to walking through life with humility and stamina, honoring the truth we know in love.
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